learn, recreate, change, relearn, repeat

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7J5vAORXOMNZs5B8D19znJHNanRmHe7splWD4rFMq-LMqdGSwyTjHnbknWI15c3dhFzMbEQJSSBK6AN98s0SpmK2q5czVA9k3ZOmHjSb-SzpWs-DvyWmIJoB5eXYzuj-rp4UvY-WSzUI/s1600-h/figureitoutyourself.jpg

alright so it didnt work but go to postsecret.com

i tend to find myself trying to help other guys with there problems that " oh man i will never get a girl friend blah blah, then i tell them my situation and its like oh well yeah but thats different. can't see how it is but oh well. I mean i can't and don't have bragging rights ive treated people like shit before too. told them to get over it when there really was a problem going on that wasnt so easy to deal with. Useless ive become. i read a whole fucking lot. I was once told i was just book smart and not street smart. That person didnt know me very well. No i didnt know the whole red kneck agenda that they had going on. saddly i was willing to learn and try. Hey im always up for trying and learning new things. I just maynot excell in them the way others would like me to. But if thats the basis of love then i say fuck love.

There were two of us and we loved just enough

Well its been awhile, just wanted to give an update. I've finally got my own place, i move in next Monday. Ive been reflecting on this past year of why i allowed myself to fall so far from everything i had known for years. maybe it was because i gave up on myself. I was talking to an old friend i hadn't seen in years at church the other day. he had told me that he was struggling with drinking, a year before he got married. I shared with him my latest problem, he had heard bits and peices of it but didnt know much.
Sometimes when you want something so bad you will look past things that should never be looked past and say i forgive you. Im not saying you shouldnt forgive someone. But when you see no evidence of change after you've forgiven said person, you really have to question the sincerity of that person. I know ive not been the best person, and have done and said things i really regret. But ive always tried to live a life that shows that im a person that you can trust. I can't say im perfect, but it's about intergrity. The moment my brother asked me if i was living with my girlfriend was the most gut wrenching thing i ever had to say. i was honest with him, but i couldnt bring myself to tell my parents. i hid that fact for months. because i knew what would happen if i had said anything about it. i would lose things i thought i needed.

Im thankful i never did marry her, because it would have been 15 years of being null and void. it killed me when i found out she got married one month to the day me and her were supposed to get married. She told me she would do something special for my birthday, i guess it was breaking my heart.