Well its been awhile, just wanted to give an update. I've finally got my own place, i move in next Monday. Ive been reflecting on this past year of why i allowed myself to fall so far from everything i had known for years. maybe it was because i gave up on myself. I was talking to an old friend i hadn't seen in years at church the other day. he had told me that he was struggling with drinking, a year before he got married. I shared with him my latest problem, he had heard bits and peices of it but didnt know much.
Sometimes when you want something so bad you will look past things that should never be looked past and say i forgive you. Im not saying you shouldnt forgive someone. But when you see no evidence of change after you've forgiven said person, you really have to question the sincerity of that person. I know ive not been the best person, and have done and said things i really regret. But ive always tried to live a life that shows that im a person that you can trust. I can't say im perfect, but it's about intergrity. The moment my brother asked me if i was living with my girlfriend was the most gut wrenching thing i ever had to say. i was honest with him, but i couldnt bring myself to tell my parents. i hid that fact for months. because i knew what would happen if i had said anything about it. i would lose things i thought i needed.
Im thankful i never did marry her, because it would have been 15 years of being null and void. it killed me when i found out she got married one month to the day me and her were supposed to get married. She told me she would do something special for my birthday, i guess it was breaking my heart.
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